Gah! Oh my god, that's a killer cliffhanger and freaky endline. *shivers* Brrr... I can't take simple horror or thriller stuff! I'm never looking into Darkons's water ever again.
That's a really awesome writing style you have, though. I love how you have a sort of detective-type tone to it. It really invites the reader to come to their own conclusions.
I have to say it does remind me of .Hack. Will Allan, Cat and the G.I.R.L... get sucked into the game quite like the characters in .Hack? Was it your intention to make it sound like a .Hack?
But, I've got just a few little things I've noticed...
When D3stiny (sorry, I hate writing things with weird lettering, it took me a while to type that one out) screams for her life, shouldn't she have exclamation marks? I think it'd be a lot more effective.
Also, you seem to use some unnecessary words here and there. They're not too bad, but if you ever wanted to refine these, then it would make the reading a bit more smooth.
I think Burke, as a lead, could be developed a bit more, along with Eclipse. Their relationship isn't too clear, well, neither is the one between Burke and Cat. Though I get the feeling they'll have their stories told in the next chapters to come.
All in all, though, that last line really freaked me out - good job on it. Your tone comes through crystal clear, and your imagery is nice, too. Keep up the good work, I can't wait to read it all!
“But how can that be?” Burke asked clearly confused.
“I agree,” Eclipse’s eyebrows narrowed as if deep in thought, “something like this doesn’t seem probable”
“Couldn’t it just be a glitch… with the water?” Cat asked in a small voice as she looked away from the sight.
“I thought that much as well,” Eclipse sighed, “but I can confirm that that person is indeed a playable character… although… she seems to have a very odd signature”
“What?” Burke asked dumbly.
“Wait… how can you possibly tell?” Cat eyed him suspiciously.
Eclipse’s cheeks flushed a deep pink, “Remember… I don’t exactly play by the rules…”
Burke laughed to himself as he immediately understood. However, Cat looked wide eyed, clearly not quite grasping the meaning behind what Eclipse said.
“He’s a hacker remember?” Burke winked.
Eclipse looked mildly offended for a moment, “I’m a she in public”
Burke remembered the first time that he met Eclipse…
It was recently after the new PK system update was released about a week after it was announced that version twelve would be delayed by several months…
Burke glided easily on his blue board, skimming across various air currents and drifting from side to side. For, he couldn’t decide just where to go next. He’d recently killed a mage and her partner around the kerns, and was now just above where the Darkon 3 lode light had been in previous versions.
It was then that he heard the distant scream of, what seemed to be, a girl.
“Please don’t! I swear… I mean… why would you do this?” She shouted frantically.
Swiftly, Burke landed in the bushes a few feet away and watched with mild fascination at the situation at hand.
There appeared to be two, rather fearsome looking, blades that were cautiously advancing to one, lone, female Psykeeper. This Psykeeper appeared to be clothed in an innocent, pink coloured set, and had the classical coloured name that indicated that she was also a player killer.
“Please spare me,” The girl whose user name said Eclipse seemed to be crying now, “It was an accident I swear…”
“EAHEhaheHAEHa,” one of the blades laughed, “U R PK I k1ll u so dun’t res1st”
The other blade smiled wickedly as well, “Dun f00l me ur just nub”
Burke didn’t know why he did it, he just knew that he indeed… well… did it.
Swiftly he leapt from where he was hiding and put himself in-between the two stuttering idiots and the maiden, Eclipse.
Within a few seconds, he managed to utterly destroy both of them, and after a few (almost incomprehensible words) the two blades disappeared.
Burke gave a sigh of relief and turned to face Eclipse… only to find a psykeeper clothed in the level seventy five set with a rather intimidating historic wand aimed dangerously close to his chin.
“I had them right where I wanted” The, strangely, masculine voice said angrily.
“What the hell,” Burke looked at the psykeeper in disbelief, “I just saved you”
“No, you didn’t. I was just about to strike when you intervened. Besides, they were a much lower level then I am now” Eclipse sighed, clearly aggravated.
“And how pray-tell could you possibly know that?” Burke asked calmly.
For a moment Eclipse was silent, “I just sort of assumed from their equipment”
“Equipment can be changed, as you yourself so elegantly pointed out” Burke shook his head.
Eclipse did not have a response for this as, out from the shadows, a jester and a ringmaster emerged with an intent look in their eyes.
Quickly, Burke aimed for the Jester, but missed completely as he casted dark illusion and disappeared. Burke grumbled for a moment, and then quickly destroyed the ring master with a few strikes from his knuckle.
Eclipse teleported a few meters to where the jester had disappeared and casted maximum crisis a few times. The spell hit its mark as the jester died after merely two casts.
Breathing hard, Eclipse and Burke went back-to-back analyzing every possible shadow as if to spot some other group that may attack.
Burke smiled, “That wasn’t that bad”
Eclipse shrugged, “You’re not so bad yourself”
This was how the infamous PK team ‘Beauty and the Beast’ was formed.
Cat’s voice brought Burke back to reality.
“I swear I can’t believe the GM thought a hacker of all people could possibly help…” She spoke angrily.
“Now dear,” Eclipse spoke resuming the same voice that resembled a female, “why would lil’ old me do something like that?”
Before either of them could continue their argument, a rather unexpected voice spoke.
“Stop your fighting” It commanded.
Burke, Eclipse and Cat looked around trying to find the one whom the voice belonged to.
“Down here” The voice instructed.
Goosebumps crawled across Burke’s arms as he directed his attention towards the phenomenon that existed in the water. The reflection was talking to them…
“How are you… doing… the talking thing?” Cat stuttered anxiously.
“How are you doing the talking thing?” The image retorted.
Before any of them could respond, Eclipse suddenly reached out towards the reflection.
“What are you…” But Burke was cut off as he screen abruptly turned a brilliant white.
Slowly the white faded… to reveal a shocking sight.
They appeared to be standing in a mirror-world of Darkon. Everything was reversed, as if seen through a mirror. However, what was more shocking is that everything appeared to be taken straight from a sketchbook. Everything was pretty much the same shade of white with black outlines detailing various details. The only people of colour that existed in this strange world were Burke, Eclipse and Cat.
The haunting voice of the reflection girl spoke behind them, “Welcome to what’s remaining true server of flyff”
Nice. Very cool. Now, before I turn into a veritable William Shatner, write some more.
Kiddin', kiddin'. I'm actually really happy - I didn't get all freaked out reading that... Could have something to do with me having all my lights on atm, but hey, let's not ruin the moment for me and my non-existent courage.
...It essentially came down to releasing an update that would require further patching to be complete or asking Flyff's developers to push the launch date back a bit...
09-19-2008, 02:11 PM
Linear Mode
