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  #1  
GaultBerkut
 
Default Fanfiction: Secrets of the Mia (Complete) - 06-23-2011, 03:13 PM
Ok, I'll be starting my own fanfic soon, called 'Secrets of the Mia'. In this story, a male Psykeeper, female Ringmaster, and a male Blade try to work together to figure out how the Mia truly came to be, and, ultimately, how to change them back. Joining them is phase 1 of the Psykeeper's experiments: a Small Mia he calls Maya, to signify its transition from Mia to human.

Please give me your opinions so I can start the story.

Last edited by GaultBerkut; 01-17-2012 at 08:34 PM.
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  #2  
ALTimore
 
Default 06-23-2011, 03:27 PM
Just start it and show what you've got. Much of how entertaining a story is can be found in the writer's style.

Also, *truly, not truely.
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  #3  
GaultBerkut
 
Default Prologue: History of the Mia - 06-23-2011, 04:25 PM
Prologue: History of the Mia

"Hundreds of years ago, there were many girls being shipped to Saintmorning as slaves. One day while sailing, a great storm came and capsized the whole ship, leaving the bounded girls to drown. Their trapped spirits now haunt Saintmorning, awaiting the day they can be free once again."

This story was told for a long time, and most of it true. What wasn't known, however, was that ancient magicians smited most of the Mia spirits and released them. All but one. This last spirit rages, increased in size, and has become a demon. This demon now steals the young girls of Saint Morning, turning them into new Mia. Investigations had only recently connected the Mia with the disappearances, but the parents of Saint Morning, learning of the fate of their children, now want to prohibit the hunting of the Mia, despite the mischief they cause. Now, many try to see if the Mia can be turned back. One Psykeeper scientist, a Ringmaster, Blade, and a Small Mia at the Psykeeper's side, are about to come to a major breakthrough.

Last edited by GaultBerkut; 06-24-2011 at 07:16 AM. Reason: specifying who the Small Mia's with
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  #4  
Suinia
Game Reviewer
 
Default 06-23-2011, 04:41 PM
I must commend you in taking something which is VERY interesting inside of flyff and making a story around it. It's always interesting to take something familiar and make something interesting and creative.

Just a few comments I'd have: perhaps watch some of your sentences and make sure they're coherent. (Sometimes it helps to read it out loud.)
That and the length might be an issue (making it a bit longer) in order to include a bit more content for the reader to appreciate!

You've started with an awesome idea and I'm eager to see where it goes.
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  #5  
GaultBerkut
 
Default 06-23-2011, 04:58 PM
I'll work on the length. That first part, though, was just the prologue. In m opinion, it's supposed to be short.
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  #6  
Suinia
Game Reviewer
 
Default 06-23-2011, 05:02 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by GaultBerkut View Post
I'll work on the length. That first part, though, was just the prologue. In m opinion, it's supposed to be short.
Fair point! Interested to see where you go with this though.
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  #7  
GaultBerkut
 
Default 06-23-2011, 05:03 PM
I'll just say: all my stories have, in one way or another, a happy ending.

I won't say HOW, though.

Last edited by GaultBerkut; 06-23-2011 at 05:04 PM.
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  #8  
GaultBerkut
 
Default Chapter 1: The Psykeeper and the Mia - 06-23-2011, 07:38 PM
Please note that I will add more to the chapter as it comes to me.

In Darkon, a Psykeeper rushes through the crowd, his 'pet' Small Mia close to his heels. He was already swamped with research, and didn't have time to edge through crowds all day to reach his different destinations across town. He made it through the crowd, his Mia emerging moment later, giving a short, human-like whimper. The Psykeeper patted the Mia's head in a re-assuring way. She always tended to get upset if separated from the Psykeeper, but patting her on the head tended to make her feel better, like it did at this point. After that, he continued to his destination: a small house that served as his research center in Darkon. Not long after he arrived did someone else entered the housing unit: a young, female Ringmaster, who's been the Psykeeper's friend for a long time. "So, you made it, Nelve." Nelve, the Psykeeper, turned to the Ringmaster. "Leana," he said, "So, you made it through the crowds. Darkon seems obviously busy today." The Mia ran past Nelve and into a small room in the house. Leana watched the transforned young girl before turning back to Nelve. "Any luck?" Nelve responded, mildly irritated, "I'm just glad I got her at least friendly. I'm still having trouble making it so she can speak our language again." Leana commented, "Well, we'll just have to keep trying. If we can only figure out how they came to be this way in the first place." "We've been trying to figure that out for months," Nelve said, slightly more irritated, "All we could find out was that the originals were going to be slaves on a capsized ship and their spirits turned some of the little girls in Saint Morning into these Mia. The issue I'm having is trying to figure out how many there were and with ones are the spirits." Suddenly, a magical burst knocked down the door. Into the house came in a group of Members of the Violet Magician Troupe. "Oh, no, not these guys again!" Kelve said, frustrated. He had to fight a few of the magicians outside Darkon in the caverns. It was thanks to Maya, the Small Mia that accompanies him, that he made it. However, with the Small Mia resting right now, Nelve was in trouble. He pulled out his Portel Staff, while Leana got out her Shalow Stick and got ready to fight. Just then, the duo saw a pair of Zeroth Swords sweeping through the Magicians, allowing Nelve and Leana the chance they needed to counter the Magicians up front. Soon, the Violet Magicians were defeated and the wielder of the Zeroth Swords was visible: a Blade, who was a friend to Nelve and Leana. "Dereth," Nelve called the Blade, "Looks like you made it just in time." "And it's probably not over yet. I saw more of those things on their way, coming from Flaris." Nelve cursed under his breath. "Grab the research notes and equipment and I'll get Maya. We head West, away from those Magicians."

By the time a majority of the Magicians reached the house, after assaulting the town, all that was left inside was a few scraps of blank paper and empty food stores. An individual, who seemed to lead the Magicians, said, "They're heading west, let's take them down, and stop their attempts to end the curse."

Last edited by GaultBerkut; 07-02-2011 at 07:26 AM. Reason: I'll add a little more. Don't worry. Future Chapters will be longer
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  #9  
GaultBerkut
 
Default Chapter 2: The Crackshooter - 06-30-2011, 12:48 PM
In Darkon 3, the Ranger Priest Rupim waits for Acrobats sent to her that wish to become Rangers. She sees an Ignice Board fly nearby, but as soon as the rider dismounted, she recognized the rider as someone who met with her before. "Why, I haven't seen you in a long time......" "I haven't seen you in a while either," the Crackshooter interrupted. Rupim knew about Crackshooters, the more advanced variant of Rangers. She also knew that few ever attained that status. This one must be very skilled. "Have you heard anything?" "No," Rupim responded, "I haven't." The Crackshooter hung her head sadly. "Well, please keep trying." "I'll do what I can," Rupim responded. The Crackshooter started to walk away when, suddenly, Rupim remembered something. "Wait, I just thought of something." The Crackshooter turned around, a small glimmer of hope returning to her face. "I heard there's a trio in Darkon, a Psykeeper, Ringmaster, and Blade, that are doing experiments that might be what you're looking for." The Crackshooter then hurredly asked, "Where are they now?!" "They're heading west. They've recently been attacked by members of the Violet Magician Troupe and are trying to keep ahead of them. If you hurry, you should catch them near the Hoppre. They're forced to travel on foot." "Thank you," the Crackshooter said gratefully, "Thank you very much!"

Elsewhere, Later

Nelve, Leana, Dereth, and Maya had little time to rest. Every time they tried to, the Magicians just caught up to them. Alone, the magicians were weak, but they seemed to be travelling in packs. "I don't know how much longer we can keep up this pace," Leana said, "It looks like Maya is tired, too." The Small Mia also looked as though it was panting. Nelve, although concerned for the Mia, not to mention his friends, he knew they couldn't rest until they made it far from the Magicians. "We can't stop," Nelve said, "We can't or they'll get us." The group continued until they made it into Darkon 3, when Maya, not adapted for long-distance travel in short periods of time, collapsed from exhaustion. "Maya!" Nelve cried, "Dereth, get her! We can't stop!" Dereth went and picked her up, when, suddenly, a Magician appeared from the bushes. "About time we caught up to you," the thing said, in its jester-like voice. It prepared to strike when a large insectoid hopped down "Back!" the Magician screamed, "Back! You nasty bug! Back!" The visitor was a Hoppre, and it attacked the Magician. However, it wasn't long until the Magician's companions caught up. "Get them!" one of the Magicians shouted, ignoring its comrade being eaten alive by a Hoppre. Dereth brought his swords to bare. "I'll hold them off. You guys, get out of here!" "No," Nelve said adamently, "We're in this together." Suddenly, 3 arrows shot down from the trees overhead and killed the Magicians they were aimed at. Then, a Crackshooter (the one from the previous part of the chapter) lept down from the trees, bow at the ready. "Need a hand?" she asked. She immediately raised her bow and fired at 2 more of the Magicians. Then, Dereth put down the Mia and took out his swords and tore at the Magicians, while Nelve and Leana cared for Maya. With the aid of the Crackshooter, the group managed to force the Magicians to pull back. "Thanks for helping us out there," Nelve said. Leana then asked, "What's your name?" The Crackshooter responded, "My name is Vollin, and it's actually me that needs your help right now."

Later......

"So," Nelve said, "You're sure your sister is a Mia?" "Absolutely," Vollin responded, "I've been getting help from Rupim, the Priest of the Rangers, in getting news on her whereabouts. For a long time, we heard nothing. Then, she directed me to you, because of your experiments with Mia." She then looked at Maya. "You sure she's safe?" she asked about the transformed girl. "She's already been put through Phase One. She's as civil as you or me. She just can't talk. We know the parts of 3 human-like Masquerpets will be needed, but all we could find is the Mia's Mia Doll." Nelve then stood up. "We're trying to find out what else we need. Would you care to help us?" "I'll help," Vollin said, "Anything if it means finding my sister and turning her back." "Ok, Nelve responded, "But we cannot stay here. There are sure to be more Magicians on our trail." "And we can't head to Flaris and Saint Morning, either," Leana commented, "Those locations are loaded with Magicians." "Actually," Vollin started, "I have a Harlequin friend who has been spying on the Magicians and he says that there is only a small group of Magicians set to be hunters and recently, probably because of you, they were all sent to Darkon. However, the Saint Morning Magicians have been alerted, but the Flaris ones should be unaware." Nelve thought for a moment, then said, "Ok, next stop, Flaris." Suddenly, the chattering of more Magicians could be heard behind them. "After we lose these guys," Nelve added.

Last edited by GaultBerkut; 09-25-2011 at 03:28 PM. Reason: Still Working on it
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  #10  
Dr. Slick
Debater Of The YearDrama Queen Of 2010
 
Default 07-02-2011, 07:17 AM
This is all fine, but again you have to work on length and description. Keep it up, it looks promising.
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